I was going to call this Hard Lessons, but really I have not had many truly hard lessons in my life. Well, there’s maybe “don’t fall backwards on the stairs and crack a few ribs right up close to your spine.” That was certainly a hard lesson, but really, in recent memory that’s about it. But if it should happen to you, by, let’s say, missing a step while carrying a loaded laundry basket to the basement for your wife, tell everyone it happened in your most recent MMA cage fight. Tough match, but of course you won in the end, and you’ll probably retire soon. Addendum: if you do have cracked ribs, do not sneeze. For at least three months. I am not kidding.
- Don’t accidentally substitute glucosamine hydochloride for glucosamine chondroitin. If one works for you, the other won’t. It’s too expensive to leave it sitting in the cupboard until it expires then just throwing it away.
- After nearly five decades of living as a mostly-independent, semi-responsible, quasi adult, I just bought my first kitchen fire extinguisher. Just in case. I should have one in the car, too, just in case I should happen to start a grass fire or something, which we don’t need to talk about.
- When recycling cardboard that’s been sitting in the garage for a few weeks, check it for crickets before loading it in the backseat of the car. Seriously. And mice. I cannot stress this enough. Especially if it’s your wife’s car.
- If someone asks if you’re busy next weekend, just nod and say yes, yes I am. You’re probably not going to like their option.
- If you feed birds, don’t buy birdseed with cracked corn. That’s junk. Junk birdseed only attracts junk birds. Exception: go ahead and buy the cheap sunflower seeds. Those birds are pigs and they don’t care. They won’t even know. I mean, they have a brain the size of a pea. And they hate you and fear you and want you to feed them and just leave.
- When someone says they enjoy talking to you, take them seriously. They enjoy talking to you, not listening to you. Or maybe that’s just me.
- You only turn 65 once, but it is a year-long celebration of multiple daily phone calls from your dear close personal friends from all over the country who want to help you select the perfect Medicare coverage, whether you need it or not. Enjoy! Or better yet, get call blocking.
- Check your spare. Not that one, the one in the back of your truck or the trunk of your car. If it’s one of those little skinny temps, it
- is good for only 50 miles at
- no more than 50mph.
- And it wants 60psi.
- Don’t be like this guy: https://jalopnik.com/i-just-got-the-weirdest-flat-tire-of-my-entire-life-1829064103